Getting Muddy in an Ineos Grenadier
It's not for Everyone, and that's okay.
From the off, we need to be very honest: The Ineos Grenadier is not for everyone. If you're in the market for a shopping car, something to nip to and from the shops in, or a vehicle to bundle your granny into, the Grenadier is probably not for you. If you spend a large amount of your free (or working) time in fields, plotting expeditions, or moving big stuff long distances, you're the target market.
It was built as a car for people who love the old-school Land Rover life but can't have a new one because, well, the old Defender isn't a thing any more. The new Defender can still do the off-road stuff incredibly well, sure, but it's just as happy outside a leisure centre as it is wading through a lake. Ineos' beast may well be seen in town, but it's not really the vibe.
Roads are a thing, and most cars are only really happy on them. Maybe a muddy track or a gravel path will do-the-do, but much more can stump standard motors. The Grenadier is not a typical motor. Designed to ride over most things short of a medium-sized boulder, you can spec the Grenadier as a Fieldmaster, which is the luxury one with leather seats, or a Trialmaster, which gets nobbly tyres, diff locks, and a hairy chest.
Big Fan of Mud? Tick the Trialmaster Option
Armed with a Trialmaster, there's little, says Ineos, that can get it stuck. To prove this, it invited me to a big hill and told me to get cracking. The gearbox set to low range, central diff locked, and the car set to 'off road,' the first muddy climb was a doddle. Some overnight rain had made the going a little slick and at a tough angle, with nought but soapy grimness beneath the Grenadier; it pulled some interesting angles as we went, but it didn't fuss. It was excellent fun.
That was just the kickoff. An amble. The next stop was a bomb hole - a hole in the ground with a steep slope to get to the bottom. Now, I don't know about you, but being in a big, heavy car and being told to point it down a slope that feels almost vertical… doesn't fill me with joy. Gravity tends to win most of the fights it's in. The Grenadier, thankfully, has a hill descent control mode, which is just a button prod away. I knew the car would do the graft, but to make HDC work, you must line the car up correctly, gently nudge it to the precipice, and, as it begins to fall… take your feet off the pedals. Swearing happened, and my glutes got a workout, but the car was fine. If the car had a brain, it probably would have thought I was pathetic for doubting it. I know I did.
Water Wading
You'd expect the biggest challenge for the car would be a headlight-deep wade through muddy water. Aside from giving the bonnet a clean thanks to an aggressive entry, it was fine. It made me want to commute via a lake, if anything–though I can't imagine pushing gallons of water around will do wonders for the fuel economy.
If in doubt: Flat Out?
The Grenadier's most demanding task wasn't even a greasy, nasty set of holes in the ground; it was the Elephant tracks - deep enough to swallow a hatchback, which also happened to be coated with fluffy grass hiding thick, gluey mud. I almost made it through without getting stuck, but, as I was told, I was driving it like it wasn't my car. This was true - a new Grenadier will set you back more than £70,000 before you tick any boxes, and I don't have more than £70,000 - much, much less, in fact. That said, I was told to give it a run-up and keep my foot stuck in. I hit the first lump with an almighty thud. Had I been in almost anything else, I'd have readied myself for a massive bill, but the Grenadier bounced back and carried on. I had as heavy a right foot as I dared, but sadly, it wasn't enough. I ran out of steam and sprayed mud… everywhere. After some gentle reversing, turning, and more mud spraying, we were away.
The Big Drawback: The Driver
The biggest problem with the Grenadier, really, is me. If we're honest, it'll be the same for many people who buy them too. The folks who engineered it made damn sure it was able to get to places nothing else could. The side effect is that, yes, it can get up the muddy track to the country house. The diff lock control, hill descent buttons, and off-road mode switch stylishly embedded in the roof all work well, but you need to know how and when to use them to get the best out of them. Perhaps not everyone who signs on the dotted line does - despite the offer of training from Ineos. Plenty of people who own Macbook Pros buy them because they know they can do ALL THE THINGS, but only ever use them as a word processor or for occasional photo editing.
After realising I'd need a few more years of practice before I'd be able to take myself solo up Mount Everest, I took to tarmac. This is where the car's off-road capabilities make themselves known more than ever. Its steering on the road is wayward, and you feel just how massive it is. It's an offroader with on-road abilities, not the other way around. Short of a Rally Raid car, there's not much out there made that way.
The people who will get the most out of it will adore it because it will do everything they need. Fair-weather offroaders and enthusiastic amateurs will be blown away by the drama of the thing. As for the people who don't 'get' it… they'll hate it, and that's fine. When they need a ride up a hill, they'll know who, sheepishly, they can call.
words: Alex Goy
photographs: Ineos
